The story of the last 6 months

Welcome to the highs and lows

The last 6 months:

left to right: me done with life covering my face sat on the floor, and a meme of a howling cat.

Okay, maybe that’s a tad bit of an exaggeration. However, I’ve talked only about the highlights of my life on this blog, so I thought it was high time to sprinkle in some of the low moments too. So, readers, I welcome you to the rundown of my highs and lows spanning over the past 6 months.

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1. Masters study.

I’m back in university completing an English Literature Masters. That means majority of my life has looked like this:

Top left = laptop on ground in a prayer room, bottom left = laptop in a café, right = laptop in an archive

Not pictured is my laptop on my kitchen table, bed, and desk overflowing with stray pieces of paper. I love this course dearly. It’s intellectually stimulating, exciting, and challenging all at the same time. But, I underestimated the workload; it’s been quite intense. I was out of education for a year, and coming back was a bit of an adjustment. I adore literature and love learning and find it so rewarding when your hard work pays off. However, what these pictures also don’t show is the tiredness. Nor do they show the moments of doubt. Every single one of my classmates is lovely, as well as extraordinarily smart. I feel less, or inadequate sometimes in contrast. Deep down I know it’s silly. Every classmate has a different area of interest, and different strengths and weaknesses, but sometimes it’s still easy to fall into the trap of Mr imposter syndrome (my God, I’m still fighting with him).

Academia is competitive and tough, coupled with worries about the future, there have been moments in the year where I feel like maybe it’s not the place for me to be. But I still love it, I’m still here, I’m still trying my best, and there’s still time to flourish. All we can do in moments of doubt is to barrel into them and carry on. I owe it to myself to see this through.

2. Mental Health

2 weeks ago somebody asked me what I had been up to, to which I responded ‘rotting in bed.’ I added on that as a consequence I now have to do 2 weeks of work in 1 week. They told me it’s not necessarily about wasting time, but rather resting and recharging. They were right.

post from @fairycosmos I saw on the same day

I’m not using it as an excuse to be lazy but like I said earlier, I feel like burnout (not just from academia) happens so easily now. We constantly have hustle culture shoved down our throats and the pressure of being productive sometimes comes at the cost of our physical and mental health. There are 24 hours a day, I cannot wake up early, eat clean, exercise, do university work, go to my job, fulfill my family responsibilities, see my friends regularly, write, and create a side hustle all at the same time. Frankly, I will go insane. All of that is a recipe for making me freeze and not do anything at all because it’s so overwhelming to the point it’s suffocating.

So, what did I do?

Iced coffee and Mike Omer’s Please Tell Me (2023)

I slowed down. My mornings are now more peaceful and start with leisure reading rather than ploughing straight into my to-do list. Reading for pleasure is tricky when you’ve been reading analytically for your degree for years. It helps to pick ‘easy’ books rather than something like Russian literature for example.

I also started exercising, a bit (wow someone pinch me). It’s nothing intense, but it helps. Gosh, who knew all the doctors were right in prescribing healthy eating and exercise?! I’m not saying my problems vanish but it makes them more bearable. Exercise has always been something I was always told to do to become as small as possible. Now that exercise is for the sake of protecting my mental health, it’s a thousand times more enjoyable. Above is a walk I took one day and saw a little duck :)

3. Writing

I started writing again. My mum asked me what I had been writing to which I said nothing. That’s both a lie and the truth. I have a bunch of works in progress, otherwise referred to as ‘word vomit'. Meaning it’s straight from my brain to a page, unstructured, un-poetic, un-sharable.

poetry workshop on the words of Hiba Abu Nada

I attended a series of workshops called ‘Art as Resistance: Palestinian Poetry’ hosted by Zainab Imran (@zainabsaidsummat on IG). Each workshop was led by a different facilitator and we looked at the works of different Palestinian poets and activists: Noor Hindi, Hiba Abu Nada, Mahmoud Darwish, Mosab Abu Toha, and Fadwa Tuqan. We talked about how poetry can be used as a form of resistance. I believe poetry is a political and powerful form of expression. Human beings die, but words outlast us and leave legacies behind. This was also the first time I thought about producing political poetry. The truth is, to be a poet is to always talk about the political and to not shy away as that is an act of cowardice. The workshops inspired me to push myself out of my comfort zone and start considering other themes beyond what I’ve already written. I’m still playing around with it (word-vomit in progress!)

Speaking of writing about new themes - I went to another open mic! I’ve not performed in such a long time. Weirdly enough, it felt so natural. I somehow found the confidence to say the following:

After ‘I want somebody to hold my hand’ I was supposed to say ‘I wanna write about love, but can’t write about what I haven’t experienced'.’ Ironically, my brain deleted that mid-performance as if my mind said it doesn’t matter - you’re more than capable of creating beautiful things despite not having experienced it. I just find it cool. I wasn’t going to go originally but then I found out my friend was going which meant I was sat writing this poem 2 hours before the open mic! I don’t usually invite friends because writing, and then performing, feels so exposing like they can see the inside of my head. But I suppose that’s the point. I’m so glad I went, and I’m so glad my friend attended, her support meant everything. That evening was the long overdue catharsis that I needed.

Well there you have it folks, this is what my life has been like. Not that much has happened. But now you’ve seen the good coupled with the bad. That’s a wrap :)